Do We Really Need More Babies?

A few thoughts on pro-natalism

I challenge myself by reading Ross Douthat’s columns in the New York Times. For the uninitiated, Douthat is a Catholic convert who is one of several conservative opinion writers at the Times. I applaud the idea of publishing conservative opinion pieces in this otherwise reliably New York liberal newspaper because it’s important to understand how the other side thinks, even when it drives me crazy. The Democratic Party as a whole has been undermined by “in the bubble” thinking that has created unrealistic expectations on the far left and rejection by working class people who used to comprise a large portion of the party’s voters. That said, as a woman who values her autonomy, is not conservative, Catholic, or even religious, I disagree with Douthat on almost everything. An exception is that we can both agree that our current politics lacks intelligence and civility.

I used to write savage comments on Douthat’s pieces, but in the interest of preserving my mental health, I’ve given that up, since I have zero hope that any opinions from left-leaning readers will ever persuade him to rethink his intransigent positions on women’s reproductive rights, and the role of religion generally as a positive force in contemporary life.

I’ve noted the current rightwing obsession with collapsing birth rates. Douthat has been on this topic for years and our current VP, JD Vance (another Catholic convert), has been on a tear about it since his was nominated. His caustic comments about “childless cat ladies” added nothing positive to public discourse. The current Republican Party cares not a whit about the real lives of women and mothers. If they did, they would support more assistance for families, not less, and they would promote reproductive rights, because nothing freaks women out more than feeling that they cannot make choices about their bodies and future lives. I’d say that young men with brains feel the same way. My observation of the admittedly small group of 20-35 year-olds who comprise my kid’s friend group tells me that fears about the future of democracy and the planet do nothing to reassure young people that making babies is a good idea.

Population decline is a reality in South Korea, Japan, Italy, and all of Western Europe and in the U.S. Even governments in Scandinavia with safety nets and healthcare we Americans can only dream of cannot get people to have more babies.

In his most recent episode of Douthat’s podcast “Interesting Times,” Douthat takes on the population collapse issue in an interview with Dr. Alice Evans, a British sociologist. During the course of their conversation, they discuss possible contributing causes: iPhones, online porn, online distraction and entertainment of every sort. Sorry, although I believe we all spend too much time online, I think binge-watching on Netflix is a symptom of an ill society, not a cause in itself. Women are pulling away from churches and traditional marriage. They don’t like what they see. If they can’t have something radically different, perhaps they’d rather not have marriage at all.

(I feel this way about milk chocolate vs dark chocolate. I love chocolate, but if only milk chocolate is presented, my answer is no. It’s always a disappointment, not worth the calories.)

Dr. Evans notes that the economic implications of falling birthrates are serious. As the population ages and dies, there are fewer young people to work, innovate, and maintain society as we know it.

How to get young people to connect and mate?

She points out that the mating game is hardest for uneducated men with low incomes. Yes, it’s true: for many women contemplating whether or not to become parents, a partner who can provide is a serious consideration. It’s a plus if the father of your baby has been raised to treat women with kindness and consideration. Alas, American culture isn’t known for this. It’s hard to find a nice guy, who will happily change diapers at 2 am and enjoy the many challenges of raising a human.

I’m not a scientist, but it seems to me that in their conversation Douthat and Evans skirted major issues for young people generally and women in particular. Many young people I’ve encountered feel that dysfunction is all around them on a global scale. Who would, rationally, want to bring children into this world on fire? Even twenty-nine years ago, when I decided to have a baby, this was a concern. My choice required a magical leap of faith that somehow world governments would agree that a solution to climate change required immediate, urgent, do this now attention. In my group of new urban mothers, there were many single children, given the expense, lack of support, and the absence of public-funded healthcare. The exceptions were, notably, those who lived near their own parents, those young enough and willing enough to offer childcare support for their grandchildren. Another subgroup comprised women who could easily afford childcare or had spouses who earned enough so that their partners could take time off from work. I envied them. And then there were especially fertile women who had unplanned pregnancies and chose to go with nature’s flow. And some women just really love babies.

For all the difficulties I encountered as a working mother, I have no regrets. I love and adore my now adult child more than anything else in this world. I love that after embattled teenage years we can now love each other joyfully. I love that our kid calls us when they are having troubles. It is an honor and privilege to be a first-responder. But I could not imagine having more than one child, given the demands of my life in New York City, where housing and almost everything is a challenge. I remember lugging my sleeping toddler in a stroller up and down subway stairs. I’m not sure how I managed this as a petite woman. I did it, developed serious biceps, and I’m glad I did it. But I also believe that women should be able to choose parenthood. We should not be prisoners to our fertility.

Setting aside the economic argument presented by Douthat and Evans for a moment, fewer people on this planet would mean less burden on our planet’s resources. What Douthat really wants, I think, is more children raised according to his philosophy. Catholic, or at least Christian children, in traditional family arrangements, who get dragged to church on Sundays. My partner and countless other people I know were raised this way and the majority of them do not attend church now. Plenty of childhood misery happens in these traditional homes, especially those tied to the Catholic church, with its long history of oppression and abuse. Catholicism seems to be faddish of late among a certain variety of conservative male. How were these men raised? What are their expectations from marriage? Is their sudden attachment to this faith an expression of their desire for a life where they get to rule over a subservient woman?

Women are leaving churches of all flavors in droves. They leave churches and give up on the notion of rom-com marriage in favor of something they can create on their own. Longterm relationships are always hard work. I wish Jane Austen had written a sequel for all her heroines so we could see how they managed once babies arrived. Since the history of marriage as an institution has little to do with romantic love, Douthat’s and Evans’s idea that Hollywood should make more old-fashioned rom-coms to promote coupling and baby-making is not likely to affect the birthrate in the West.

What might change the population collapse is a determined effort to grapple with the future our children will inherit and a radical rethink of how men are raised. Go figure…contemporary women don’t want to be bossed around, abused, attacked, victimized or forced into antiquated roles. We’ve seen women attempt to tackle the very worst of this in the #metoo movement. It’s not enough. We need to promote a notion of manhood where physical strength does not translate to domination. The kind of “male energy” currently espoused by Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, online incels, and members of our current government is guaranteed to push thinking self-determined women away. They might want to have sex. They might even like the idea of having a baby someday. But they don’t want an outcome that imprisons them.

If nations want to increase their birthrates, it’s not enough to pay women to have babies. Women need to have public support and confidence that their government and all governments are working to make the world safe for their children. They need to believe that their government will protect them from violence by promoting a healthy model of manhood. All this will give women the most important incentive to have children: hope for the future.

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